you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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