he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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