I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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