That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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