I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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