If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
