apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
