I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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