just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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