This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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