Pappa wants mamma naked
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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