even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize