You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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