You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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