He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
