No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
