I hope mine doesn't look like that
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
