It's like a parade of train wrecks.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
