My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
