i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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