I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
