The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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