My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize
