Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
