Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
