i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize