The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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