If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
