I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
My ass is underappreciated
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
