I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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