Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize