turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
