he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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