Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
another moral hangover. fuck.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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