my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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