Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
