They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize