1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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