a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
