too bad you live with your parents still
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
