I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
My balls are so social today.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
