I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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