Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
