I'm eating all of the evidence.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
