Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
