I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
