If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
