I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
