So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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