I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
