i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
