why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
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