We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize