Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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