Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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