I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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