I just saw a hot homeless man
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
