and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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