ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
