So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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