at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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