So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Is Oprah even human
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
