what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
